Lesson Learned

The great enemy of the truth

is very often not the lie-deliberate, contrived and dishonest-but the MYTH…persistent, persuasive and unrealustic.

You're sorry for everything you've put me through?

Nice.  In a text message no less. Very meaningful. Totally sincere.

At least this time I got a goodbye? And an explanation that because of her you’re having the worst week of your life…yet again. Same shit, different year. You can’t fight me? Guess what…nobody’s fighting. I’m DONE fighting YOU to save YOU.  My thoughts and feelings don’t matter and I’m completely exhausted.  I couldn’t fight you anymore if I wanted to.  I’m finished.  Done. Empty.

I’m yet again LESS than nothing. Tell her that. Tell her that I never meant anything…that you used me to get to her…that I’m of the devil…that I’m the worst mistake you ever made…that every word you ever said to me was a lie…that every single time you were with me all you could think about was her…that no woman has ever made you feel like she did…that it’s over with me…that she’s all you want.  Tell her all those same things again that worked so well last time.  Just make sure this time she doesn’t feel the fucking need to share them with me.

Glad to know some things never change…that some things really can be counted on.

Thanks for that.

Please just promise not to cowardly return all the shit I gave you this time…burn it instead. Seriously.

We both know what’s happening here because it’s happened before. Like an avalanche, there’s nothing to be done about it so we don’t even need to speak.

You want silence and distance, you got it. God I can’t believe I fell for it AGAIN!

It's the kind of love that saves you. That makes you question what you did to ever deserve such a thing. Reassurance that everything will really be okay. Love worth fighting for.

That’s what I needed. That’s what I wanted to give. I guess I didn’t and you couldn’t.

Holes

You may be using me to fill the empty space now that she’s gone but what you’ve refused to see is that you’ve been using me to fill the empty spaces since I met you.

She always left you empty. And you were always trying to fill her up and nothing was ever enough.

She left you empty even when she was there and “loving” you. Playing the role of “mother” to your wounded child.

And had it not been me, you’d have found someone else to fill the void she wouldn’t.

God how could anyone want to settle for THAT feeling for the rest of their life?! How can you want that? How can THAT be the best thing that ever happened to you?! How incredibly sad that makes me for you.

But then again, it’s always said we accept the love we think we deserve.

I no longer accept this. I deserve to be loved on the level at which I love. Nothing less is ok. I don’t think that’s asking TOO much. I think that’s asking exactly enough.

My heart for your heart. I never wanted, expected or asked for anything more. And yet, it was too much to ask of you.

I see that now.

Knowing

I DO know why you’re sad. You think you lost the “love of your life” & she’s probably giving you the cold shoulder because she knows that’s what will kill you & keep you off balance & make you romanticize her in your mind. It’s classic female manipulation 101. 

But, there’s more I know too.

I know that because you’re wanting her in your life…in ANY way, you’re not through. All the ugly things she’s said and done to hurt you…the known and unknown to you…haven’t been enough for you to see. I also know that because you feel that she was the one for you, you cannot be the one for me. I know that you’re wrong & eventually you’ll see that. I know that you’ll realize that too late for me. I know that for all my trying to clean up her mess, comfort, respect, encourage, care for & love you, all I’d really have to do is treat you like shit…like she did…and you’d love me too. I know that while you may feel so much older than me, it doesn’t make you wiser because I got over being used & abused in the name of love years ago which is why I won’t be your doormat now. I know that you’re using me to fill a void. I know that what you say to me about love & needing & missing isn’t sincere & you’re probably trying to say all the same bullshit to her.. I know that I was always willing to sacrifice for you more than you were ever willing to sacrifice for me. I know that I’m better for this experience but I know that if I don’t walk away you’re going to damage me in ways that will force me to be stronger than any woman needs to be & I’m strong enough as it is. Someone already got to me before you did…their damage is enough. I know that I’m too sick and too tired to keep losing sleep over things I cannot change. I know that I can’t love someone who loves someone else any longer. Nearing two years is enough for me…you’re not the only one with a two year limit. I know I’m worth more, deserve better. I know I’ll find someone who can love me on my level & give me the things that I want & need…who will let me love him WITHOUT all the drama & confusion. Someone who can see ME and not all the horrible women from their past or all the shitty women who mistreat and lie and use. ME. Not their fucked up idea of who I am.

See, I know a lot of things. Not the least of which is why you’re so damn sad. And, now you know why I am.

Can't

I can’t do this. Can’t be the consolation prize because who you wanted didn’t want you. Can’t feel you being devastated over losing someone who made you work for their love, who used you, was selfish & never REALLY took care of you or cared about your needs.

I feel you reaching out to her…wishing things were different, back to the way they were.

Go. Beg. Plead. Cry. Crawl.

I can’t watch it & I deserve better. I deserve to be loved the way you obviously do her.

You threw me away once, I meant nothing. Why I ever thought that would change, I have no idea. I really am the dumbest smart girl there ever was.

Only this time I know what’s coming & I can save myself.